Thy night with flurries

I haven’t been writing or reading for a while. It's that time - the one I call a doob phase. I float in the world like I'm drowning in a pond. Next week I have that session where I'm supposed to work on my trauma. It is supposed to bring my memories back. My memories of abbu. My family. I don’t remember much of my life before. I used to be crazy about cadet college. I don't bother attending their events anymore. Not sure if that's because I evolved, or because I dont remember how it used to feel. Crowds repel me. 

I have been trying to take care of myself. I'm trying really hard. It doesn’t always work. I feel I am alone. It's ok. It's hard for me to..

What are you feeling Sam? What are you feeling right now?

- Like I can't breathe deeply. I am just surviving. I forgot how to feel. I dont know what's in my head and what's happening anymore? I'm too afraid of people. I'm afraid I might hurt them. Or they will. Hurt me. I feel I am not doing anything right. What if I am not there for Sophie? Am I pretending to be a cool mom? And screwing up her life?

I feel I'll be done before I even start. I am afraid I'd be too scared to fall in love. I won't be able to create something beautiful before I leave this beautiful planet. 

I forgot who I was before I became this. I'm afraid no one but I have killed that sweet little girl, who had a big heart, won't ever tell a lie, and trusted everyone to have a good heart- even the ones that hurt her. 

And the ones that I hurt?