Inner child

I did the inner child meditation today. The first time I tried, I didn’t see the house, but there were some walls, slit walls here and there like a movie set, and I saw the 6/7 year old me. She was giggling, and playing hide and seek with me..she didn’t seem like she was sad, or had any unresolved issues. 

Then the second time I tried, I saw her again, and she touched my heart with her palm. It felt like she was trying to tell me, "It's not me you should be worried about, it's you. Heal yourself."

And tonight I tried again, and I saw my 23 yearself; - scared, anxious, afraid. I was wearing the "chaity" salwar kamiz, the purple one. Comparatively more comfortable than the other clothes I had at that time, although not very pretty to look at. I was wearing this outfit that day. I was running to and fro wearing that salwar kamiz, shaking the collapsible gate, sweating and crying. 

And I saw a purple and yellow colored house, with triangular roof, designed in canadian style with creepers. Byt when I saw myself, I was scared, standing in the dark, no parts of the house to be seen. I was scared. Scared about everything.  Scared about what people will think. Scared about something bad will happen. Scared about.. -it will happen again.

I remebered me in the cadet college library, finding out about meditation for the first time in life. Trying to be enlightened. Trying to be be focused. Trying to be in the moment. I have always found that makes me calm. That's what selfcare is to me. And I learned  that in college. Mostly, that was the start of being aware of myself. Learning what I need, I like.  Let go of things. Trying not to be cool anymore.  

And then Pollen was gone. Everything got flushed down through the toilet. I took the bed, tin goyenda and chanachur. 

Slowly, with a lot of effort started to build myself again, started to stand up. Got admission into BUET. Family was happy. I don't know what I was. I was miserable. They all made BUET look so good. The first couple of years- I didn't know what I was doing. And then slowly,  started to be in the pace,  with the bank project, with the childcare, with the penthouse and everything.  

And then Abbu was gone. Ammu and Sakib were inside. Borapu and me were outside, shaking the gate, wearing the chaity salwar kamiz. 

I think this is the story I am telling myself. And this is why everytime I am trying to build myself up....close to reaching a routine- I demolish everything because I am afraid something bad will happen again. There's this irrational belief - that if I take care of myself everything is going to fall down. Something very bad will happen.

And when I try to be with myself- those moments... come rushing. Isn't it better to eat doritos and binge-watch netflix instead? So that's what I do.