When The Storm Passed

"Don’t do this,” I say softly.

He looks hurt, turns his face away. I know he is pressing his lips together. He fixes his gaze on the sand beneath us. I wrap my hand around his shoulder. He doesn’t move, looks ahead, staring at the waves.

“You know I love you, right?”

“I know,” he sighs, still looking at the waves reaching the horizon. “And I don’t know what to do. When I am around you… I just think about you… even when I’m looking the other way… It’s like I have a third eye that keeps looking at you. I know when you move...when you laugh…and…I hear you breathing. And I am still thinking about you when you are not with me. It’s driving me crazy.”

I pat his shoulder, “It’ll pass, soon, I promise”

“How do you know that?”

“Cause I’ve been through the same. You used to make me forget everything. You were the first thing I thought of when I woke up, and then I would go to bed thinking of you- it was a nightmare. You were a married guy, for fucks sake. I tried to hide it, to push it away. I tried really hard, but it just made me crazier. At some point, I accepted that I’d always love you, no matter what. And then one day, the storm passed. A breezy- nice thing took over, just like tonight- this beach, the stars. It got easier. See your knee touching mine? Do you know how good I feel when this happens? And that’s enough. That’s enough for me. I know I love you, and I know you love me.  Do you realize how beautiful it is to feel loved and be secure in at least one relationship in life?”

“We’re really good friends, aren't we?”

I laugh, “Yes, that we are.”

“Thanks for being in my life.”

“Well, I wish I could get rid of you..”

“Yep, you’re stuck with me.”

“Unfortunately!”

“Sorry, I tried to...kiss you-..”

“Yep, try not to do that again. That was really dumdum of you.”

He rolls his eyes, and growls.

“Remember that day, I had a fever, and you came over?” I asked.

“Hmm.” 

“After you left, Emma said, ‘Ma you guys were cuddling like the C word.’”

“What’s the C Word?”

“I asked the same thing. Couple. C word means ‘couple’. Ew..”

“Ew??”, he tries to look hurt.

“I meant, in that way- ew…I asked her if that was bad, and she said no. ‘You cuddled with him how we cuddle at night Ma’, she said. You know I felt so comforted when you were holding me, I felt I was going to be ok. You were playing with my hair..”

“I was massaging your hair!”

“Same thing. My mom used to do that when I was sick. She’d cuddle me the whole time, like you did. After giving me medicine, she’d kiss my forehead and say, ‘Allahu Shafi, Allahu Mafi, Allahu Qafi’- I still don’t know what that means, but it always made me feel better.”

“My mom used to put my head on the edge of a bed, place a plastic sheet under..

“And pour water over your head?  Mine did that too. Ohhh, that was so soothing!”

“Right? Why doesn’t anybody do that nowadays?”, he asks.

“I miss that. If Emm has a high fever, I just give her a shower. It works really well though.”

“Do you think Emma will remember those things? Like the things you do for her when she’s sick?”

“I hope so. I hope she knows how much I love her…..sometimes I worry that I am screwing up her childhood” 

“Fuck off!!”, he looks at me with disbelief. 

“No, seriously! When I cook her food, I wish I was a better cook, or at least more attentive cook, one who knows what they’re doing. I give her stuff, I worry I am spoiling her. I don’t give her stuff, I worry I am depriving her. I wish I could give her more of my time. I wish she had a better mom than me.”

“Pam, you are doing a great job with Emm! And it’s not just my words, everyone talks about how good a relationship both of you have. You actually listen to her, you know when was the first time my mom wanted my opinion on something? On Ba’s funeral.”

“Shut up…”

“I’m serious! Pam, I’m telling you, you’re doing a great job raising her, all by yourself. And she turned out to be such a great kid.”

“I really am lucky with her, ain’t I?”

“And she’s lucky to have you too.”

“Thanks, that means a lot.”

“What’s up with us tonight, why do we keep thanking each other??”

“Well someone tried to kiss…”

“Fuck off…You’re never gonna let that go, are you?”

“Cross my heart.”

-end-