Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I, I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

(Sleeping at last)

Remember the day in Gottingen, we biked uphill in a sunny day, and was looking for shade everywhere only nowhere to be found. I was panting so hard, feeling thirsty and tired. And then we arrived at the top of the road, and out of nowhere there came a bunch of trees, with a nice little cottage under them. Turned out it was a bar of some sorts. Only in Germany you can find a bar in the mid of the woods and top of a hill. We each got a quencher, and lay down under the trees. We were nice and kind to us back then, at least in my mind.We talked about our future and our dreams. I told you, I wanted to live each year from now on in a different country. I didn’t have Sophie then, I was allowed to dream wild. You told me..I don’t remember anymore what did you tell me. I just remember I felt love inside me. For you. For the world. 

I’ll tell you a secret today. I didn’t actually believe I could do that - at least by myself. I thought you might find a way to different countries, and me, of course as a loyal bride will follow you wherever you go. I wanted that from you. All the wives I see in the movies want a house, a pearl necklace. I wanted the world from you. I understand now, it’s too much.

You did give me Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam. You found the way. I accompanied you. That’s the thing with me. I don’t want to work hard. I somehow create an optimal strategic situation where I don’t have to be the one applying for universities, I dont have to go through all the certification evaluation process. I am content- with whatever I have. Of course in my mind, I am not. But I think that mid-century dependency that women had to have on men, I still somehow nurture it inside me, maybe not only on men, bit on other human being. The domesticity -is so life sucking. Time to time, I can’t bear it. 

There’s this petite old lady sitting across me in the subwa. She has the cutest smile on the earth, her hunched back makes her look like a tiny cute tortoise, that is kind and witty and full of love. Just like me, she is observing everybody with curiosity through her gold-rim glasses. She wears a white and blue  ring on her finger, made of diamonds sorta things. Married? Maybe. Two drawstring keeps dangling from her Roots hoodie. Her white baseball cap hides her golden hair. 

You gave me a lot. I never thanked you for it. I didn’t think I have to. I thought we have a lifetime together, to do stuff for each other. I would never have survived with you. You wouldn’t either. We met in a fragile time - it didn’t have a strong foundation. We never stood a chance.